“There’s only one thing they’re not making any more of – land. And one thing that we’ll never run out of – death. Combine the two and you’ve got the whole thing covered.”
From his 1964 TV Today review of “Death Valley Days” as collected in “The Layman’s guide To Perspicacity” by Delman Mangrove
I recently heard on NPR that the crypt located directly above the space occupied by the late Marilyn Monroe is currently up for auction on eBay. Current high bid: $4.5 million dollars. The current 20 year crypt occupant is being moved out by his widow to make the mortgage payment on their Beverly Hills mansion. Times are tough for the living and the dead alike. The perfect economic conditions to pick up tremendous real estate bargains at a fraction of their previous valuation!
Marilyn Monroe’s eternal resting place in the Pierce Brothers Westwood Village Memorial Park is the home to numerous Hollywood legends such as Natalie Wood, Mel Torme, Merv Griffin, and Kevin Costner (oh, wait – sorry, just his career is dead. Waterworld should have been named “Eternal Dirt Nap for Costner’s career”).
In light of the huge interest in securing neighbor rights to Marilyn, I’m stepping out of character today to solicit you, dear and well-heeled reader, to join together with me in a daring and GUARANTEED financially successful investment opportunity.
The great Mangrove was right again – land + death = financial security!
My new company, Sleeping with The Stars, LLC, will serve as a land management company empowered to buy the “proximity locations” of celebrity crypts and cemetery lots, and make them available to star-struck citizens on a rental and time-share basis.
Here’s our business plan in a nutshell: Sell a celebrity “proximity” crypt once, make $4.5 million. Rent a celebrity “proximity” crypt repeatedly and make 100X $4.5 million. Do the math!
An important element of our business plan is an acute awareness that the outright sale of permanent residence of a celebrity proximity crypt usually involves dealing with dead people. Let’s be frank: No one likes dead people. We don’t like the way they look. We can’t stand the way they smell. And dead people are notoriously hard and unbending negotiators. Super salesman Dale Carnegie called it “The Rigor Mortis Factor”.(Of course none of this pertains to zombies. Zombies are cool. And zombies are easily manipulated in a business deal. Just note had badly Bridgeport Mayor Bill Finch gets taken in the revised Steel Pointe deal.)
So, dear potential investor, by creating an administrative mechanism of celebrity proximity time share and short-term rental options for the living, Sleeping with the Stars, LLC eliminates the following profitability obstacles.
1) Elimination of the dead from the deal.
2) Time share and rental revenues spread our reported income across the fiscal year, allowing for more creative opportunities to “accidentally” under-report cash surplus on a regular basis – due to “accounting errors”.
3)Time shares and nightly rentals allow our star struck clients to spend a limited amount of time around their favorite celebrity without learning the hard way that all celebrities quickly become demanding, self-centered, psychologically unbalanced, and deadly dull.
Which brings us back to Marilyn Monroe. The currently available crypt right over the silver screens greatest sex symbol Marilyn Monroe? In the words of former CIA director George Tenant, this is a “slam dunk”.
The Marilyn proximity crypt is the golden goose of venture capital, my friends. What red-blooded American male doesn’t want to spend a night on top of Marilyn Monroe? But only one night! You don’t want more than one night on top of Marilyn. Just ask Jack Kennedy.
So, after we pool our combined financial resources and win the eBay bid on Marilyn’s proximity crypt, we’ll use our pre-paid rental income to secure the rights to other valuable celebrity proximities. And, as a company unafraid of the future of land and death, Sleeping With The Stars, LLC will actively pursue the perpetuity crypt proximity rights of still living celebrities.
Time is running out to get in on the ground floor of this eternally profitable business opportunity.
Send your investment payment today to mrbarnum@sleepingwiththestarsllc.ru. PayPal only please!
Financial Disclaimer: This is not a necrophillia-contingent offer. Past performance of living celebrities is no guarantee of future performance of dead celebrities.
Let’s be honest. All your hard earned investing ended up in Bernie Madoff’s 9’x 12’ cell for the next 150 years. It might as well end up in a 9’x 12’ crypt on top of Marilyn Monroe – if only for one memorial night.
“Marilyn was lying all alone.
With an empty bottle by the phone.
Kennedy was not around.
She was cold when she was found.
But she’d gone where goddesses are sleeping.
Where the molten tongues of flame are leaping.
Or where the angel’s hearts are heating.”
“Get Started, Start A Fire” by Graham Parker
Blogus Ridiculum
PT
Tags: Delman Mangrove, Hollywood, Marylin Monroe