Today’s news comes from Lennie Grimaldi’s Only in Bridgeport.
http://onlyinbridgeport.com/wordpress/campaign-and-city-tale-of-two-funds/

The word from the incestual circle jerk cesspool known as Washington DC is that former US congressman from Connecticut Christopher Shays has finally secured himself a new job. It’s only been five months since the last congressional Republican in New England finally got his ass handed to him by Democratic challenger Jim Himes.

We’ve all been in Shay’s penny loafers, haven’t we? You know how it goes. You’re at the top of the pryamid. Long term, steady employment. Enough frequent flyer miles to choke an elephant. One day you’re playing kissy face with George Bush at the State of The Union, then you’re trying to shove your tongue down Barack Obama’s silky brown political throat in those last desperate campaign days, then… boom… you’re unemployed and your campaign manager is charged with ripping off $200,000 in campaign funds. Bottom of the pyramid. You got to update your resume from the old Underwood typewriter days, and hit the pavement in search of a paying gig.

It’s been a harsh winter season of shoe leather to the sidewalk for Chris Shays. Word on the street is that the former Congressman was forced to take a seasonal job working the cash register at the Banana Republican store in Fairfield. But now it appears that things are springing up for Shays. Only five months after being fired by the voters, he’s heading back to DC with a brand new paycheck thanks to House Minority Leader John Boehner.
Only a five month unemployment period in this economy! Proof positive that the stimulus package is working! And even better than the new DC gig is the fact that Shays will apparently have to work only part time for the same approximate salary he received as a member of congress. Now that is stimulus maximus! Perhaps he’ll have free time to work at a Banana Republican store in DC. That’s worth it in employee discounts alone.

Now that he and the other congressional Republicans have finalized their “alternate budget”, John Boehner has found time to appoint Shays to the Wartime Contracting Commission. Shays will review contract issues involving Iraq and Afghanistan. Prior to his acceptance of this position, Shays was actively campaigning to become the head of the Peace Corps. His early experience in the Peace Corps apparently qualified him to head the organization, but his more recent experience with Iraq certainly made him much more appealing to the Wartime Contracting Commission.

Which brings us to this section I like to call: “Job Hunting Tips In A Wacky Economy”:

There’s a valuable job hunting lesson to be learned from Mr. Shays, kids. Pick an industry that will never go away, then make sure it never goes away by controlling the industry bankbook. Car industry – bad. Home foreclosure scams industry – good. Family size tent industry – better. War – Bingo!

Also, remember that your most recent experience on your resume is what catches a potential employers’ eye first! So, put that part-time job you had in 1983 at “Uncle Sticky’s House of Adult Flavored Novelties “ at the BOTTOM of your resume. Place your most current job (you know, the one you were most recently laid off from after 22 years) right up top for the eyes of all potential recruiters!

Exception to the rule:

You’d do best to steer clear from this rule if your most recent job reads something like:

Most Recent Experience: A 9’x7’ cell

Most Recent Job Title: Guest of the state

Most Recent Duties: Involuntary sex object

Most Recent Salary: 3 squares a day

In this case, you should focus on your 2^nd most recent position.

For example:

Most Recent Experience: A large private investment firm

Most Recent Job Title: President and CEO

Most Recent Duties: Duping investors, making crank calls to Swiss banks, buying loads of stuff, writing the word “ponzi” in my spiral notebook in lots of cool color pens!

Most Recent Salary: Your 401K

And now back to Chris Shays’ new job in the war machine… I mean the Wartime Contracting Commission where Shays will reviews contract issues for Iraq and Afganistan.
So our old pal Shays’only supposed employment options were Peace Corps or War Corps, huh? Interesting that he chose the one that already involves 4,263 American corpses. As always, there’s little job security in peace. Still, job security aside, if Shays wants to be the cost accountant for an industry that supports death, couldn’t he have just applied for an accounting clerk job at a local funeral home?
So what else is there to write on this subject without turning into a ranting Keith Olbermann impersonator (with much better hair and taste in clothes)?Well, I’ve written this it before, I’ll write it again:Number of Christopher Shays trips to Iraq: (round-trip, first class) - 19.
As of April 2, 2009: Number of trips from Iraq by US military personnel (one way, cargo class) - 4,263.

To quote the title of the Elvis Costello song (written by the great Nick Lowe):
“(What’s so Funny ’bout) Peace, Love, and Understanding?”

Not one Goddamn thing, in my opinion. It’s the only thing I don’t find funny in this world.
Still, I find it strangely comforting that government is still an insane asylum where the sins of the past become the job security of the future. And it’s nice to know that the chimp is now in charge of the banana store. Many more round trips for Chrissy, many more one way trips for the grunts. What’s so funny about that?
Well, times are tough. Life is harder. Comedy, however, remains easy as slipping on a banana peel. Sometimes if you don’t laugh, you cry.
And if you’re Christopher Shays, you stay close to what you know. First class. Round trip. Window seat. Right over the cargo hold.

Blogus Ridiculum
PT

Tags: Christopher Shays, Iraq