12
Feb

The Art Lady Letter

   Posted by: Mr Barnum   in Bridgeport Culture

Letters, we get letters! 

Well, kids, your old Uncle PT got himself a boatload of letters from his latest blog “I Am Mr. Barnum”. A soggy, moss-covered, hole in the hull Titanic amount of letters.

Your Uncle PT has decided to reach into his big boatload of soggy letters and publish a random one – just for you kids at home! 

IMPORTANT NOTE: For the following letter to make any sense at all, you must read “I Am Mr. Barnum” first. I’m not saying that it’ll make any sense even then, but at least you have of fighting chance. 

OK, into the mailbag, boys and girls….  

Oh, here’s a good letter on nice stationary. It smells of magnolias. This letter comes to us from a Miss Zelda Robbins of the Bridgeport Artistic & Culture Committee.

http://www.bridgeportwv.com/arts_council.cfm 

(The following letter is reprinted in its entirety without edit or editorial comment – Scout’s honor.) 
 

artsociety

My Dearest Mr. Barnum, 

Let me make my formal introduction to you in your general direction.

I am Zelda Robbins. As you certainly know, I am the reigning board member of the BACC, Bridgeport West Virginia Artistic and Culture Committee. 

We at the BACC are deeply and heartily worried and dismayed by your investigative reporting writing “I Am Mr. Barnum” in which you wrongly depict the BACC as a strange and rather ungodly organization.

The ladies of the committee: myself, Violet Wilkes, Amelia Perricott, Livia Jackson (Mrs.), and our gentleman board member Dr. Albert T. Cotthollan III take great and humble dismay at your wild and airy insinuations and allegations concerning improprieties at the BACC. Bridgeport, WV. is our home, and the heart of our chosen mission to promote the arts and culture of our fair city.

As you know, but neglect to mention in your writing, the BACC has done wondrous things to lift the spirits and souls of our morally bankrupt and artistically challenged town.

Here are but a few examples of our good works: 

1. The BACC brought Kenny Rogers himself to play at the opening of the Kenny Rogers Roasters located on Route 170, at the corner of Stonewall Avenue. That’s right, Mr. Barnum. The Gambler himself. 

2. The BACC held a bake sale to raise funds for the 4th annual One Stroke Painting Juried Show held on Mother’s Day. It is true that we had to leave Bridgeport for Leesville to buy our bulk cupcakes, but is it our fault that there is no Costco in Bridgeport? True, we had to use BACC funds to renew Violet’s Costco card when her credit card was denied (that Violet, such an artiste’, but not so good with the numbers, God bless her). Anyhoo, the One Stroke Painting show was a big hit.  You might have mentioned that when you accused us of spending funds meant for Bridgeport out of Bridgeport! A GOOD investigative reporter would have. 

3. Just who do you think fought city hall and got the Chanukah thingee removed from next to the nativity and Happy Birthday tree in front of the town flagpole? Ya betcha! Wondrously guilty as charged! Next year, a living nativity in front of the library trailer, God willing! 

4. The BACC Broadway Comes To Bridgeport was a joy to behold! The middle school’s production of Le Miserable went better than expected, considering what happened to the gymnasium after the Pentecostal Snake Handler services earlier in the day. 

5. February’s Black History Tuesday had low attendance, tis true. You can lead a horse, but… fiddle dee dee J 

6. Day Camp. We’re all about the day camp. Touch-a-truck and Build-a-Jesus were FABULOUS! Our Sacred Arts & Crafts camp for the girls included activities such as What Would Jesus Draw?, Jackson Pollack’s Finger-paint Guide to The New Testament (for pre-schoolers), and Pin the Tail on the Heretic Piñata. 

7. Restoring dance to our vibrant arts scene has been difficult since our beloved Arthur Murray Dance Studios closed in 1994, but we keep a good thought and a spring in our step for the day that dance returns to Bridgeport. 

8. As you well know, our town is the birthplace of Stonewall Jackson, the great Civil War hero. Our sponsored annual 4th of July Stonewall Festival is a real boon to our economy, even if every year we are forced to suffer the throngs of “single” men who crowd our streets in their short shorts and bare torsos looking for something called a “tea dance”. We have plenty of festival tea parties, but no tea dances. Our tea parties are attended by many fine single and divorced ladies, but none of the single men seem to be interested in attending these events. Men. Go figure. 

9. Of course, we at the BACC know only too well that is not just about One Stroke Painting and macramé crafts in the modern day art world. We embrace the raggedy edges of the arts as well. We recently sponsored a premier show by local “outsider” lady artist kAry/L Kuntz who takes polaroids of her unkempt pussycat in public restrooms along the interstate and mounts them on men’s bloody sleeveless undershirts. Her show was called “The Wife Beater Monologs”. We at the BACC believe that just because some art isn’t our cup of tea doesn’t mean it isn’t someone else’s cup of whatever it is they like to drink with their biscuits. Viva la Difference, we say!

10. We have recently rebounded from our setback of hiring our first committee executive director. Perhaps we were a bit blinded by the light to hire a lady from the distant state of Connecticut to take the 15 hour a week position as a commuter. Once she realized that the commute was over 1,500 miles each way, she rescinded her acceptance of the position. Live and learn ladies, as I always say.

Our new director Waldo Williams comes to us with a fine arts reputation as assistant manager of the AC Moore Art Emporium in Wheeling, WV. He’s been on the BACC payroll for six months now, and although none of us have actual met or seen him, we’re supremely confident that he is making great strides in meeting our mission of lifting the artsy souls of Bridgeport to celestial heights!

As you see, we at the BACC have been a bunch of busy beavers! 

I’d now like to address several of the wild and reckless statements in your writing. 

You write of “ripping the collective a**h*le of the BACC open wider than that of Jabba The Hutt at an all-you-can-eat Mexican buffet”.

Shame. I don’t know this Jabba fellow of which you speak, but as my old school shed mama used to say, “West Virginia don’t cotton to no Mexicans”. Mr. Barnum, must you play the race card? 

And your disturbing pledge to bring a troop of toga-wearing hooligans to our next board meeting to perform some stunt can only lead to bad feelings, my friend. A little word to the unwise: perhaps you are not aware that this ”Spartacus” movie you love so well was written by a known Communist and starred Kirk Douglas (who is indeed a communist and a Jew). Can’t you be nice? 

So, in an effort to be civil and civilized, The BACC offers you a cordial invite to meet with us in our office in the back room of the J. C. Penney store in the old Main Street mall. Unfortunately, the Penneys people are currently using our space for garden furniture storage, so we may have to meet with you across the street at the IHOP.

The ladies of the committee meet every other Tuesday at 8:00AM. You are welcome to join us for flapjacks and coffee – on the BACC!

We at the BACC like your gumption. You remind us of Abraham Lincoln! (No insult intended, haha.) We’d like you to get involved in the BACC!

If you wear a carnation in your label at our meeting, it will help us identify you, as the IHOP gets awfully crowed after 7:45AM. 

In closing, my Dearest Mr. Barnum, I hope that we can look forward to putting all this negative poop behind us and securing your cooperation in spreading the good works of the BACC. Looking forward to meeting you at the IHOP one fine Bridgeport Tuesday morn! 

Yours in Bridgeport, 

Miss Zelda Robbins

(end of letter)

ptart

And now my reply…
Dear Ms. Robbins,
Thank you for your kind letter. One bit of clarification may be in order. Your organization, the BACC, is located in Bridgeport, West Virginia. The BACC referred to in my blog “I Am Mr. Barnum” is the Bridgeport Arts & Cultural Council in my hometown of Bridgeport, Connecticut. A simple mistake. The continent is lousy with Bridgeports.Here’s my Bridgeport’s BACC web site. I apologize in advance that although the BACC paid an out of town form to design the pretty picture on the web site back in October, 2010, the site itself still doesn’t work.
http://www.bridgeportarts.org/
But that web page sure is pretty, ain’t it? 
However far apart in miles our two Bridgeports may be, it’s stunning the similarities between your Bridgeport’s Artistic & Culture Committee and my Bridgeport’s Arts & Culture Council.
Funny side note: In January 2010, my Bridgeport CT’s BACC hired a woman from Virginia for their 15 hour a week Director’s job! After she was hired, she went to Google Maps and learned about the 1,00 mile daily commute! She never showed up for work either, although a group of citizens anxiously awaited her first day with Krispee Kreme donuts and coffee. You got Krispee Kreme down in your Bridgeport? Yummee!
My own Bridgeport’s BACC hired a new Director in May 2010 that some people have taken to referring to as “Where’s Waldo?”. Spooky coincidence, huh?
I wasn’t aware that your committee sponsored a performance of Le Miz at the middle school. I’ll bet “Master of The House” rocked the joint! Glad I missed out on the snake handler church services, though. I’m scared of snakes. And clowns. Clowns scare me.
Funny show tune side note: As a middle school student, I auditioned for the part of the Artful Dodger in Oliver. Didn’t get the part.
Your Stonewall Festival sounds totally buff! I wasn’t aware that Stonewall Jackson himself was your most honored native son. In my Bridgeport, our favorite hometown hero is P.T Barnum, although he wasn’t born here and spent the vast majority of his left away from here. Still, we use the brand name we inherit, even if it’s been dead for 120 years.
Miss Robbins, not to worry. Any appearance of Spartacus look-a-likes at your upcoming meeting will be none of my doing. If this happens, I advise you to call the police and quickly evacuate the building, be it the JC Penneys or the IHOP. In my experience, gladiators are an unruly lot, and unpredictable at best.
If I ever make it to your Bridgeport, WV on a Tuesday morning, I’ll certainly pop into the IHOP in hope of meeting with you and the rest of the committee. I’ll wear a carnation in my lapel if I can find any open florist in town.
And yes, there is a Mrs. Barnum. But, we have an understanding.
Hey, what happens in Bridgeport stays in Bridgeport. (wink)
Yours also in Bridgeport,
PT

And so boys and girl, so ends another trip in your old Uncle PTs mailbag of the obscure and the delightful.
Remember the BACC (in Bridgeport, CONNECTICUT) open meeting at the arcade building on Tuesday, February 22nd, 6-8PM.

Now, repeat after me…. I’m Mr. Barnum. “I’m Mr. Barnum”. “I’m Mr. Barnum”.

Blogus Ridiculum

 

PT

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23
Jan

I Am Mr. Barnum

   Posted by: Mr Barnum   in Bridgeport Culture, Uncategorized


“And so Chicken Little saved the world from the falling sky, then got lazy, plump and juicy.
Roll chicken pieces in buttermilk batter; add spices and place in boiling oil for three minutes.Serve hot or cold with corn on the cob, new potatoes, and your favorite adult beverage.
And now the Tale of The 3 Little Pig Roast.”

from the essay “Fried Chicken Little: A Culinary Fable”
“The Layman’s Guide To Perspicacity” by Delman Mangrove 

(photo of My Mom Courtesy of Jizzy Jay, Children's Party Entertainer Extraordinaire)

(photo of my Mom courtesy of Lizzy Jay, Children’s Party Entertainer Extraordinaire.)  

Mom always told me the best things.
She told me that clowns are evil.
She told me that “nice don’t feed the bulldog, buster”.
She told me that people afraid of their own shadow probably have the physique of Alfred Hitchcock.
She told me that there’s safety in numbers, but that everyone ends up with less pizza that way.
She told me that good boys are a nickel a dozen, but that a bad man is worth a romp in the hay any old night of the week.
She told me that people who think they should never eat oysters in a month with an “r” in it are morons. “Oysters can’t even spell, for Chrissake. Now run to the corner store and get mama a pack of Chesterfields and some Lotto tickets. And bring me back some winners, for once.” 

Mom told me lots of good things, but what she told me the most was that I was the center of the universe.

In the past week, I decide to shake off the winter doldrums and take Mr. Barnum out of mothballs. Poor P.T. was looking a little sad and shabby hanging there in the closet next to my extensive collection of vintage Hawaiian shirts. I decided to take the old Delman Mangrove quoting bastard to the local dry cleaners for a little one hour Martinizing with a Febreeze chaser and extra starch – lots of extra starch.
And then came Facebook.

 ptart

In case you’ve been buried up to your appendectomy scar in snow for the past week and haven’t heard about the interesting developments with the fledgling Bridgeport Arts and Cultural Council, I’ll fill you in with the Cliff Notes version.
The BACC hired a Fairfield-based artist and his Fairfield-based art design firm to create the BACC web site and a series of 12 posters celebrating Bridgeport history. (That means P.T. Barnum and 11 other things that nobody knows what they are.) The BACC is a grant and donations non-profit created in 2010 with the sole purpose of promoting Bridgeport artists, arts and cultural venues. Keyword: BRIDGEPORT. Bridgeport. Not Fairfield, not Greenwich, not Intercourse, PA. Bridgeport. And the BACC hired a non-Bridgeport artist and his firm to do the only two public relations/marketing projects they’ve done since their inception. No Bridgeport artist was paid. No reinvestment in a Bridgeport tax paying business was made. Favoritism and artistic nepotism took the money out of town.

Mr. Barnum – and several other Bridgeport citizens asked the BACC about this out-of-town hiring on the council’s Facebook page. (Their official web page is only a one-page placeholder. Monies were paid, but no website content exists to date.)  

http://www.bridgeportarts.org/
The BACC repeatedly deleted all related questions and comments from their Facebook page. Day after day. New comments and questions. Day after day, all these comments and questions were deleted by the BACC.
 

(INSERT YOUR OWN FREEDOM OF SPEECH RANT HERE)
 

With all that fresh extra starch in his collar, Mr. Barnum
http://www.facebook.com/phineas.t.barnum decided to… how should I phrase this delicately… decided to publicly rip open the collective asshole of the BACC leadership wider than that of Jabba The Hut at an all-you-can-eat Mexican buffet 

Fast-forward one week…

Blogs are being written about Phineas T Barnum on Facebook.

Offers to appear on local cable programs are pouring in.

News 12 Connecticut wants me to co-host a weekly show called “Pet Peeve Talk” with Lauren Collier. My biggest pet peeve is Lauren’s hair. 1978 called, Lauren. Farrah wants her ‘do back. 

Mr. Barnum has received 5 marriage proposals and 352 offers of eternal friendship on Facebook and one email request from some poor soul stranded in London who needs my help to transfer funds into my bank account, then re-transfer half of those funds to a secret account at the National Bank of Fredonia. All he needs is my banking account number. 

I’m seriously considering a Glee guest-starring role as Curt’s cranky bipolar uncle Petey who sings Journey songs with the voice of a drunken angel. 

Rachel Maddow calls me at all hours just to say “Bitchin’!” and hang up. 

A line of “The Many Loves of Mr. Barnum” American Girl dolls is in development. 

The Black Rock Stop n Shop has instituted an official “Your money’s no good here, sir” policy for me. 

I’m in negotiations to do a nude photo spread for Muckrakers Monthly. 

Bill Finch still hates me. 

And.. the Bridgeport Arts & Cultural Council has graciously agreed to meet with concerned Bridgeport artists and citizens to discuss issues raised by me and other Bridgeport citizens on Facebook.

Here’s more about it from Lee Steele’s excellent blog:

http://www.leesteele.com/2011/01/registry/ 

 This meeting will be held on February 22, 2011 from 6-8PM at the BACC offices located in the Arcade Building in downtown Bridgeport. 1001-12 Main Street.

 (Yeah, I know – downtown Bridgeport after dark. Be sure to put the Club on your Honda, kids.) 

What a difference an asshole and a week make! 

So you see that it’s been a long and heady week – becoming the center of the universe and all. 

Now that I’m officially the center of the universe, there’s a few things that I, your new ruler and all-being, would like to have you, the little people, do for me in the coming weeks.

1. Whenever you meet Bridgeport Mayor Bill Finch at the grocery store or lottery ticket kiosk, I request that you do the following: Walk right up to him, wrap your arms around his waist and grab his buttocks firmly, yet lovingly. When he gasps, shove your tongue down his throat, give him a big sloppy man kiss, and say, “Mr. Barnum loves you”.
Bill Finch hates me. As the new Gandhi, I believe that we must battle hatred with love.

2. On February 21, 2011 at precisely 12:00PM, the entire world must Google “Phineas T Barnum” & “Facebook”. This will bring me to the top of Yahoo’s Trending Now list, giving the world a break from the current trend favorites “Jessica Simpson dumbass”, ”Mel Gibson talking beaver hand puppet”, and “Todd Palin affair Madame doggy style hahahahaha”.

3. Everyone must perform at least one senseless random act of violence against a clown. Clowns scare me. Once we’ve rid the world of clowns, feel free to take out all mimes. A mime is a wonderful thing to waste. Then, and only then will we talk about ridding the world of Yoko Ono music.

4. Personal note to Bridgeport Police Chief Joe Gaudett: It’s time to replace the Bat signal with a neon sign of me.

5. My birthday is coming. Starting an internet meme about me would be a nice gift.

6. During sex – think only of me – unless you’re Speaker of the House John Boehner’s pay-for-play pal “Pat” If you’re “Pat”, think of death, the only thing worse than your current position.

7. When commenting on your Facebook friend’s endless amount of “cute” baby pictures of her kid who looks like a cross between Gollum and Robin Williams in that movie Jack where he had that old-age kid disease, remain polite and comment “cute, but he’s no Mr. Barnum”.
Politeness is key to our new happy society. Especially when commenting on the rat ugly children of your virtual friends. 

8. Please challenge the status quo in your stodgy workplace by hanging colorful posters declaring the February 3rd “Take a Dead Relative to Work Day” a company-sponsored event. It’s all about team building in the business world, you know. Just because your boss’s Uncle Bert is dead doesn’t mean he’s not part of the extended business family. 

9. Immediately stop naming your dogs Phineas. Imagine my pain and humiliation each time I walk the streets of Bridgeport to an unending chorus of “Here Phineas”, “Bad Phineas”, “Don’t shit on the neighbor’s lawn, Phineas” and “Please stop humping the nice lady’s leg, Mr. Barnum”. 

10. Lastly – and most importantly – all Bridgeport artists, art lovers and Bridgeport lovers in general are hereby given a personal invitation to attend the Bridgeport Arts & Cultural Council open meeting on February 22, 2011.

The “official” stated purpose of the meeting is to discuss issues of geographic boundaries, inclusion, transparency, and the use of council funds for the hiring of non-Bridgeport artists and firms for council business.

But, as the center of the universe, I know better.

It’s all about me. The BACC wants to throw me a little party! Quite sweet of them, actually. 

So, you’re all officially invited to my party on February 22nd at the BACC! (But it’s a surprise; so don’t let them know that I know.)

 Fascinating Factoid about me:

There are really only two things in the world that I really love: Surprise parties and gladiators. I just love gladiators. My walls are filled with Russell Crowe posters, and my Mom gave me the complete Lego Spartacus: Blood and Sand Action Play Kingdom for Christmas. And, I’ve seen the Kirk Douglas/Stanley Kubrick Spartacus movie 683 times.
Woohoo - lightning strike! Why not combine my two great passions – surprise parties and Gladiators – into one rocking mid-week funfest? 

So, when you all attend the BACC meeting (Surprise! Oh, you shouldn’t have!), you should come dressed as a gladiator! That’s right; a sandal wearing, olive oil-dripping mega-pectoral, toga clad, card-carrying gladiator!

And when the BACC leadership offers the Bridgeport artists in attendance a more inclusive and profitable place in the BACC agenda – based of course on the lone condition that the artists identify Mr. Barnum - each of you can stand, and in your best gladiator voice cry, 

“I’m Mr. Barnum” 

“I’m Mr. Barnum”                                   ”I’m Mr. Barnum”

                   “I’m Mr. Barnum”

                                                                     “I’m Mr. Barnum”

A sea of Mr. Barnums. An ocean of Phineas. A tidal wave of PTs. 

It’ll look a little something like this:

Click on image to see video

Click on image to see video

 Now that’s a party! A Spartacus Partycus! Break out the Birkenstocks – it’s gonna be a bumpy ride. See you then!
So that’s the report of the first week of the new world. In closing, I can finally and humbly say that Mom was right.

I’m Mr. Barnum. I’m the center of the universe. 

whiteheat

Click on image to see video

Made it, Ma! Top of the world!
Blogus Ridiculum
PT 
http://www.facebook.com/phineas.t.barnum

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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5
Jul

Who Do That Voodoo?: Part Deux Deux

   Posted by: Mr Barnum   in Bridgeport Culture, Popular Culture, Religion, Uncategorized

Who Do That Voodoo?: Part Deux Deux

Who Do That Voodoo?: Part Deux Deux

Here’s the latest breaking news on my family Voodoo saga: 

We’ve spared no expense in keeping our creepy ass neighbors from committing additional acts of creepy ass Santeria Voodoocity on our property.

We’ve installed high tech, high priced heat sensor devices on every inch of our property. These specific devices were used in the film “Alien vs. Predator”, or so it was claimed on the eBay auction I won last week.

Now, no raccoon or stray cat can set paw on our property without setting off an elaborate system of lawn sprinklers and a 200 Db alarm warning system that I’ve customized to shout “Die, Zombie, Die” in my own voice. Unfortunately, I didn’t consider the possibility that Voodoo zombies may have no actual body heat, rending the device useless against members of the undead persuasion. 

On a more practical note, we’ve installed an anti-Voodoo wall arrangement in our front hall. 

voodoowall3

The Front Hallway Wall of Anti-Vodoo

voodoowall2

Brazilian House Protection Fetish

 

$49.95 from Uncle Hoodoo's House of Voodoo

$49.95 from Uncle Hoodoo's House of Voodoo

 

While three of the four masks aren’t officially Voodoo-related in origin, the fourth is a super powerful Brazilian household protection fetish I purchased online for $50 from Uncle Hoodoo’s House of Voodoo in New Orleans.

Be it the heat sensing security system. The anti-Voodoo wall of terror, or a combination of the two, I’m pleased to announce that there have been no further acts of Voodoocity on our property. Although, I must attest to the fact that the neighborhood raccoons have taken to bringing their food around for a nightly washing under the sprinkler alarm system. The water bill is going to be monster.

But, while our Black Rock backyard has remained secure against headless chicken attack, downtown Bridgeport has once again been the site of Voodoo activity.

 http://hubpages.com/hub/826paranormalinvestigatesoccult

I don’t actually mind your run of the mill, mainstream chicken bones and pin dolls arrangement, but the addition of Matchbox cars and Dunkin Donut cups is a bit gauche for my tastes. (Something tells me that this particualr curse altar is directed at Bridgeport’s finest.) 

Stay tuned to this blog for future Voodoo updates. 

And now In closing, I’ll leave you with the words of the great Delman Mangrove essay “My Waitress is So Slow That I Think She’s Dead” from his essential “The Layman’s Guide To Perspicacity”.  

“Don’t just stand there like a Zombie, Lucille. Run around like a chicken with your head cut off, and get me my omelet.”

 

Blogus Ridiculum

 PT

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19
Jun

Who Do That Voodoo?

   Posted by: Mr Barnum   in Bridgeport Culture, Popular Culture, Religion, Uncategorized

220px-zombi

“You do something to me.
Something that simply mystifies me.
Tell me, why should it be
You have the power to hypnotize me?
Let me live ‘neath your spell.
Do do that voodoo
That you do so well.
For you do something to me
That no one else could do!”

“You Do Something To Me”
Cole Porter

I love to pick on Bridgeport. Bridgeport, the three-legged junkyard dog barking at shadows from behind the safety of a rusty barb wire fence. Bridgeport, the wobbly one-legged drunken man on the street corner waving at every beer truck that passes by. Bridgeport, the single winged bird dangling from a dead tree branch.

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12
Sep

I’m Finally Proud To Live in Bridgeport!

   Posted by: Mr Barnum   in Bridgeport Culture, Bridgeport Politics, National Politics

Today, I am finally proud to live in Bridgeport! And here’s why…

If you didn’t hear in advance about the 9/11 Tea Ba Party held on Baldwin Plaza, you’re not alone. Apparent the word was spread on this so-called grass roots event only on back pages of Republican comic books and on the blogs of Ann Coulter fanatics. (Same thing, really.)

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